


You're Dressed in Pink, But You Feel Blue

by knightinsourarmor



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Child Neglect, Denial of Feelings, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22369633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinsourarmor/pseuds/knightinsourarmor
Summary: Bede doesn't know how to love.
Relationships: Beet | Bede/Yuuri | Gloria
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	You're Dressed in Pink, But You Feel Blue

It’s like this. 

Bede loses his parents at a young age. There is no rhyme or reason. No real blame he can place on anyone. He loses his parents and he is left alone. He has no kin or not any who want to claim him, to raise him. So he ends up at an orphanage. He is only six years old, but already he starts shutting himself off from the world. 

Bede does not want a “new family”. Does not want to be adopted by some strange couple or person. He is sour and cold and he makes sure each person who tries to get close to him understands that he wants nothing to do with them. When the caretakers ask why he pushes everyone away, he responds he already had a family. He doesn’t need another one.

(Rose is not family. Not really. Bede never admits how much he wants him to be one, but in the end, he is nothing like a father. He never wanted to be.)

Bede spends his time mostly alone. He shuns the other children and while the caretakers are kind and trying, oh so trying, he cannot bring himself to want to get close to any of them. Already he has determined he is better off alone.

It’s like this.

There is blood on his fists and a fire burning in his chest as a kid, older and bigger, lays on the floor holding their nose. The sensation of their nose breaking, of bones shattering under his touch, makes his whole arm tingle. 

Bede really isn’t focused on what is happening as the caretakers come over, asking the kid if he’s okay, asking Bede why he did this. All he can hear is the sound of the kid mocking him, telling him that he wasn’t loved. That he was abandoned. His parents weren’t gone, they just didn’t want him. 

There is static in his mind and rage in his bones.

He’ll never let anyone hurt him again. No one else matters. He can’t be abandoned if he abandons them all first. 

It’s like this.

Bede is not his name. Not the name he was given by his parents. When he arrives at the orphanage, he refuses to respond to anything else. He is Bede and he tells them between clenched teeth. He is a boy. He knows who he is and he won’t let them tell him otherwise. 

The caretakers understand. Bede is not the first trans child among them and he won’t be the last. So they change. They update his records. He is Bede. 

His old name, his old self. He lays her next to his parents in a grave of his own making. He does not mourn over it as he did at the funeral of his family. He has no tears for a person he never was. 

Bede tries not to think of them. When it is dark and he is alone, he closes his eyes and imagines his parents. He can hear his mother sing softly to him, ruffle his hair. He can hear his father’s laughter and the way he picked him up to spin him around. He can remember the warmth and happiness of his home. And love, love, _love_. 

Bede doesn’t know how to love. 

He fills his time with learning and training and he wonders where it all going. He does not expect what happens to him. He is not expecting Rose to come by the orphanage with Oleanna by his side. He does not expect how he looks over the children or how Oleanna watches him. 

When they leave, childless, Bede does not think they will return. 

They do. Rose talks to him and for the first time in a long time, Bede finds a part of him thawing. Rose tells him that he can be great, that he can help him be great, and there is something about the way he speaks or looks, but Bede wants that. He wants to prove that he is worth something. Deep down, in a place that he does not acknowledge, Bede wanted someone to want him. To choose him. 

He is given his first Pokemon, a Hatenna. For the first time, Bede lets someone in. He does not think it will happen again. 

At twelve years old, he is adopted. At twelve, he thinks he now knows where his path is leading. To a bright future. 

He does not expect Buddi, of all people, to knock him from this path. 

He is endorsed by the Chairman. It means something. When Rose adopts him, Bede is thrust into a new life. With his parents, they had a humble life. In the orphanage, they got by. With Rose, Bede does not want. 

At first, it does not feel like it is real. It is as if he has entered another world. He is given new clothes that are fitted to him, but Bede, growing, and changing opts for something to hide his body. He doesn't know if Rose knows or what he thinks, but when Oleanna hands him a bottle of pills, Bede takes them. Neither says anything about how he chooses to dress. 

There are things that he is given. Things that he feels he is owed, but in the end, none of the possessions truly matter as much as the desire to fight.

It had always run hot in his veins. From the moment he could, Bede fought and fought and fought. With words, with fists, with Pokemon. He was left, abandoned, forgotten. He would not allow the world to forget him again. 

Now he has the chance to make sure that everyone knows his name. 

It’s like this.

He meets Buddi in a cave. He is so sure of himself. So sure of his place in the world. Before, he had no idea who he was, but now he knew exactly what to do. Exactly who and what he was meant to be. 

Buddi smiles at him like she has no idea what he had gone through. She doesn’t. She is all casual, easygoing, loose clothes, and hair too long to be properly managed, but she isn’t bothered. 

Bede doesn’t even consider the possibility of losing to someone like her. Someone so unrefined. Someone who hadn’t suffered the way he had. Who hadn’t had to fight their way here? He is better than her. He has to be.

Bede loses and all he can see is a pitying smile from someone who doesn’t deserve to win. She gives him her trainer card. He memorizes who she is. Next time he was going to prove who is better. 

It doesn’t happen. It never happens. Buddi wins and wins and all she gives him is that pitiful smile. He is almost a wild Pokemon but it is beneath him to act as such. He deflects, tells her that he is letting her win. He was chosen. He is better than someone being picked because he was friends with the Champion’s brother. Bede had carved his place in this world and he won’t let anyone stop him.

Buddi asks him why he looks so sad, extends a hand. Bede slaps it away and nearly screams at her. Why won’t she understand? Why is she being so nice? How dare she try and act like she isn’t destroying his world piece by piece? 

“Stay away from me.”

She doesn’t. Bede has to do something. Has to prove himself worthy and better and nothing at all like this girl. 

It’s like this. 

Bede is at the top of the world. He is going to make Chairman Rose proud. He’s going to show them all what he can do. He is so sure of himself, so sure of what he is doing. He is blind to reason, blind to the consequences. All Bede can see is what he wants. What he believes in. That if he does this, then it will all be worth it in the end. 

He clings so tightly to Rose’s approval, to his words and gifts and praise, that he cannot see the initiable. That he’s going to fall. 

It’s like an avalanche. It’s like he is being struck by a thunderbolt. It’s like everything he had worked for, believed in, strived to do, has been ripped from his hands. Red flashes before his eyes and he thinks that he will do something he regrets, but Bede already had. 

Chairman Rose removes his endorsement. Bede is no longer in the competition. It swirls in his mind, around and around and around, until he can no longer hear. 

He understands the words that Rose does not say. He knows what this means. He thinks of the man who knelt before him years ago, all smiles and kind words, a studying look. He had been chosen above everyone else. Now he is being thrown away. Discarded. 

Bile rises in his throat and Bede cannot speak. Cannot understand why this is happening to him. 

What did any of it matter? He was on top of the world and now he is at rock bottom. Bede lashes out at everyone who dares come close. He can see it in her eyes, the way she reaches for him. 

Pity. It’s always pity. 

Why can’t she just let him be?

It’s like this.

Bede is lost. He is alone. He does not know what to do. He thinks perhaps if he begs Rose, he won’t be left behind. He won’t be forced back into the places he had long since thought he was free from. Bede will not beg. He will not let him make a fool of himself. Bede is a fighter and he will continue to fight. 

Nothing will stand in his way. 

Yet he is aimless, uncertain of what to do now. It is Opal to pull him into her orbit. Bede doesn’t want it. Doesn’t want another adult to make a toy of him. To force him to bend to their will, only to toss him aside when he no longer is of service to them. 

He is wrong about Opal. She is nothing like Rose. She is old, so very old, but it has given her a perspective that he cannot imagine. She is not a mother to him, never would be, but she extends a hand and tells him that he has a choice. 

Being a gym leader is not something Bede ever thought about. It is not something he dreamed of when he was in the orphanage, but there are pride and power and belonging in the word. If he can manage to survive being Opal’s pupil. He takes her hand.

Bede is twelve. He is a child. He thinks of his parents, gone forever, he thinks of Rose, turning his back on him. He thinks of the rage that lives inside of him, that tells him to push them all away. To scream and fight and make sure they know that he is not someone who can be so easily ignored. He takes Opal’s hand, takes her offer, and he tries not to think of what has happened to him.

It’s like this. 

Bede can’t stop thinking of Buddi. 

Learning to be Ballonea’s gym leader is not the easiest life. Bede feels like he is being pushed and pulled everywhere he goes. Opal is as strict as she is strange, making comments on his appearance, on his training, on the way he sips his tea. 

She is what he needs. He is told one day, after a grueling session on proper etiquette, that she is just like him. Bede doesn't understand until she motions towards the dwindling pill bottle nearby. 

“Perhaps we are drawn to each other. If you need an ear, I am here to listen.”

Bede doesn’t talk about it with Opal, but there is something about her words that makes Bede feel more wanted than he ever had. Like this could be his home. Bede doesn’t believe in fate. Doesn’t believe in destiny. The world had been too unkind to him, but Opal gives advice and she gives him a home. 

Yet his mind lingers on the rough, country girl with the dark green hair and the smile that seems permanently attached to her face. He wonders how far she has gotten if she is going to become the Champion. He wonders if she looks at anyone else like that. 

Bede doesn’t know how to love. 

So he doesn’t understand why his chest hurts when he thinks about her. Thinks about pushing her away and yelling at her. She just wanted to help him. Wanted to be his friend and yet-

He tells himself she doesn’t matter. That she is just one girl. One obnoxious, nosy girl who got lucky. Who was setting herself up for failure. He’ll become the fairy gym leader and he won’t ever have to deal with her again. 

Buddi becomes the Champion. Buddi becomes the hero of Galar. 

Bede can’t understand why he isn’t angry. He sees her grinning face as they are out in the stadium, Bede having nearly forced his way there. He doesn’t know why he is doing it, why it really matters, but he has something left to prove. Out there in the field, surrounded by hundreds, thousands, he tells her more than he ever really said. 

He thought he should hate her. She wins so effortlessly and he knows that it isn’t true. That she works hard. Puts her all into this. Perhaps she had something to prove as well. That she deserved a chance at becoming the Champion. That someone as simple and humble as her could become someone great and grand. 

Bede fought tooth and nail. He thought he deserved the world. That if he got here, then it would prove that he wasn’t an unwanted, abandoned child. He thought she had taken that from him. Pushed him down and told him that he was still just the same sad child who cried himself to sleep. Who couldn’t understand why he was all alone. 

Bede loses to Buddi again, but when she smiles at him, he smiles back. 

He never really had a chance against her, did he? 

It’s like this. 

Bede stands in the corner of the room, a can of soda pressed against his teeth. He had drunk some of it, but there was plenty left. He liked the way that it felt, how it rested against his mouth. It gave him the ability to ignore people by drinking. 

Not that anyone had approached him.

Bede isn’t sure why he was here. He was invited, of course, but he didn’t have to show up. He felt like several of the others in the lobby probably thought he wasn’t going to. He could remember entering the party. Buddi stood there, looking thrilled to see him. She was still wearing that stupid outfit of the fairy gym uniform with the leather jacket over it. She points from herself then to him. 

"Look, we match!"

She said it with such joy in her voice, that Bede could feel his heart skip a beat. He can maintain his composure, scoffing out loud. "Mine is the official uniform of my position. I don't know why you're wearing it."

"It's cute! Besides I love fairy types." 

Buddi is pulled away too soon but Bede is happy for it. Her bright grin is ingrained in his mind. He wished it wasn't. How weak could he possibly be for her? 

So he stood in the corner, watching the others, being left to his own devices. Until someone approaches him, probably tired of his anti-social behavior.

"You should go talk to her." Marnie stands there, holding her own can of soda. She sounds disinterest, but she's making an effort to talk to him, so he doesn't believe that she really is. Not completely. 

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Marnie sighs. She has no time for his attitude but he's not sure why she just can't mind her own business. "Buddi. I could see you've been watching her the whole time since you got here. Just talk to her."

He pushes the can against his teeth, the clacking of it something to focus on. He has to force his eyes from flickering to Buddi who is talking to Leon and Piers, her voice all excited, tripping over her words and arms moving above wildly. She never cared what others thought of her, did she? Just living her life. 

"Leave me alone. I don't have to do what you tell me." He puts as much venom into his words as he can as Bede glares at Marnie. She still looks disinterested and shrugs. She did care, but not enough to fight with him. That's fine with Bede. She doesn't leave it completely alone.

"Fine. But you'll miss your chance if you just sulk here in the corner. I thought you were better than that."

Bede nearly starts to say something, but Marnie leaves. He watches her go with a sour expression. His gaze returns to Buddi, who leans close to Hop, laughing at something with him. Something turns in his stomach. He should just leave. He doesn't know why he's here. It's not like he really cares about her. Buddi could do whatever she wanted.

Bede does not leave. He doesn't engage in the party, but as it winds down, he finds that he is one of the last ones to leave. He lingers a little too long but as he moves towards the door, Buddi is there. 

"Hey, Bede. Thanks for coming!"

Bede nearly just walked out the door. He didn't. Buddi was half blocking it and when he saw her, he froze. He shrugged, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal. Like he didn't really care. 

"Yes. Congrats on becoming the Champion. You're just lucky that I couldn't compete against you for real." 

Buddi laughed and he could feel himself blush. "I believe you, Bede. You were always so tough to fight against. I am sure you'll be giving trainers a run for their money."

Bede ran a hand through his hair, smiling at her. Now that he could agree on. "Of course. I'm sure you won't be seeing too many challengers with me as the gym leader." He might have said more but then Buddi leaned forward pressing a kiss to his cheek.

His face went bright red and he stumbled back a bit. "What are you doing?!"

"It's a gift. I wanted to thank you I suppose. And say sorry for everything." 

Bede couldn't understand her. Why was she saying this? It wasn't her fault at all what had happened. It was hard to focus. "You haven't- What do you-"

Buddi laughed again. Bede wasn't sure if he was flustered or angry by this point, but he could feel how hot his face was getting. Buddi definitely seemed to know what she was doing. Bede really did just leave this time, with the call of Buddi wishing him a good night. 

It's like this. 

Bede doesn't know how to love. Bede was an unwanted child. He had to fight his way through life. He pushed everyone away. He didn't need them. Didn't want to need them because then he'd have to admit how lonely he was. How much pain he was in. 

Bede likes his life now. He is going to be an exceptional gym leader. Opal is the right kind of person he needs. He might have trouble interacting with others, but he is learning. He knows what he wants. He is determined to have it. But he doesn't need to fight for it anymore. The rage that filled him, that threatened to overtake him. It comes sometimes, but it is fading. 

Buddi is there as she always is. A constant in his life. She is as busy as he is, more so, but she makes time. He didn't know what was going to happen that first meeting before them, but Buddi is bright and laughter and has a smile just for him. 

Bede is happy.


End file.
